SCENE ONE OFFICE SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A TALK WITH HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU REALLY TELL AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. MISS NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.
TWO MAIN HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME CARLY BY PULLING SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA. SAM: CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS! WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU CARLY WALKS INTO A AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE CARLYS SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. FREDDIE: YOU THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. YOU CAN HAVE IT! CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP. HELPS SPENCER UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK A SQUIRREL. I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: CARLY WILL LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. (IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY! FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR 2 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY LE U E MAPHEME. OKAY CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) TURNS ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WELL CAN I FIND HER? JEB PUTS HIS ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: WHAT YA I DONT KNOW! SAM: YOU KNOW? I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? I DONT KNOW. SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. THATS NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS TO CARLY. (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CALM DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO THE NIGHT. CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: WHATCHA CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD THEM ONLINE. I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! SURE IS! SAM: WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. CARLY: SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.