Day One Nuala, Thank you much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree We're the hang of feeding the partridge now, Although it was difficult at first to win its It bit the mother rather badly on the But they're friends now and we're keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket Thank you Yours affectionately, Gobnait
Day Two Nuala, I cannot you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves You really are too At first the was very jealous And suspicious of the doves and they had a row the night the doves arrived We had to send for the vet but the birds are again And the are due to some out in a week or two The vet's was 8 but the mother is over her annoyance now And the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write ever, Gobnait
Day Nuala, We must be foremost in thoughts I had posted my letter when the three French hens arrived was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, Who with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again The mother was raging because the bill was 16 time But she has almost cooled However, the fact that the birds' droppings falling down On her whilen she's watching the telly, doesn't help matters you for your kindness I remain, your
Day Nuala, You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the calling birds There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet's bill was 32 The mother is on as I write I know you meant no harm and your close friend
Day Nuala, Your generosity no bounds Five gold rings! When the arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious However, I want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings Your affectionate friend,
Day Six Nuala, What are you trying to do to us? It isn't that we don't your generosity But the six geese have not alone murdered the calling birds But they laid their on top of the vet's head From the and his bill was 68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 of Valium a day And talking to in a most alarming way You keep your feelings for me in check
Day Nuala, We are not amused by your joke Seven is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house We cannot use the bathroom now because they've gone completely And rush the door time we try to enter If things go on this way, the mother and I smell as bad as the living-room carpet Please lay off It is not fair
Day Nuala, Who the do you think gave you the right to send eight, Hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of and home? Their cattle are all the front lawn And trampled the hell out of the mother's rose-beds The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak And the battle between them and the calling birds, Turtle doves, hens and partridge make the battle Of the Somme seem like Wagon The mother is on a bottle of a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium I'm very with you
Day you looser! There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in I'm warning you, making an enemy of me
Day Ten manure-face, I hope be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping Which you to torment us last night They were aided in their evil work by those drummers And it wasn't a pleasant sight to look out the And see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing with the ensuing punk-rock uproar My mother has just finished her bottle of whiskey, On top of a hundred and twenty four grains of get yours! Gobnait
Day You have my mother, you dirty Jezebel, It was bad enough to eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends the eleven Lords-a-leaping And the antics of the whole lot of would leave The most decadent of the Roman Empire looking like Outlook I'll get you yet, you bag!
Day Listen head, You ruined our lives The twelve maidens turned up last night And beat the living daylights out of the maids-a-milking, 'Cause they them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping Meanwhile, the got out of the living-room, they'd been hiding since the big battle, And savaged hell out of the and all the Maids There were ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well The mother is in a home for the And I'm sitting here, up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty And Valium bottles, birds' and feathers, While the flaming eat the leaves off the pear-tree I'm a man.